As I’ve said before, I’m applying for SS disability. Everyone from my friends to my own Dr. have told me it won’t go through the first time, and that I’ll need to get a lawyer and appeal. Ah, America. Sigh. Believe me, if this thing could get cured, I’d be the first person in line to shred the application.
Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I went in for my mental exam. Similar to my sense of playing pretend during the physical exam, this consisted of playing with blocks, counting backwards and naming the current president.
The oddest thing was, when Dr. M opened her mouth and said hello, I started to cry. I am not a crier. I can see baby seals being clubbed on TV and be outraged. I can have my heart broken and drink whiskey. I can read about tsunami victims and send money. In my day to day life, I buck up. I am a bucker-upper.
So what the hell was this all about? I hadn’t even told her the name of the president yet, and here I was crying. Not a drop or two, but a full on Kleenex/not able to talk/hiccuping kind of a cry. The Dr. handed me the box of tissues and asked if this was normal behavior. I should say not!
When I was able to talk it all came pouring out. Being at a disability exam is down right humiliating. I don’t want to be disabled. I repeat. I don’t want to be disabled. Like renting the scooter, this was another landmark event bringing it all home. This time, in addition to being plain mad, I allowed myself to be sad for a change. I dipped my toe into the pity party pool for a few minutes and, truth be told, it felt good.
It didn’t last. I can’t feel too sorry for myself. When I think of all the poor baby seals and broken hearts and tsunami victims I recognize that I don’t have it so bad. I found out after spelling my name backwards and defining “foreboding” that I am still smarter than a 5th grader, and THAT is something to hang on to.
Today I am headed off for the physical side of the SSD exam. Doubtful if this time I’ll tear up, more than likely I’ll just hirple the hallway under the Dr.’s watchful eye and hopefully get a bad enough score on my gait to exempt me from future lawyers and appeals. Stay tuned.