Anybody who follows this blog knows that I do my best to stay positive. I have an amazing life ~ great family, supportive friends, financial security, a lovely home…and the motto I stay true to is “why not me?
I’ll explain. It’s no secret that I find wallowing in self pity unacceptable. Shit happens to all of us (it’s called the gift of life!) which is where my stance on “why me?” comes from. “Why not me?” I say. Would you wish your cancer diagnosis on your best friend? Of course not. Would you be happier if your sister had MS? Of course not. Buck up and own it, I say.
We all are familiar with waking in the night and worrying about the pipes bursting, the kids falling into a ravine, the Visa police showing up at work to shame you for your credit limit excess, your dentist calling you out for only flossing every other day. Of course these things don’t happen. But if they did, you might be thinking, “why me?”. Well duh. Floss your teeth, check your pipes, pay your Visa bill, teach your kids the dangers of ravines. We all must take responsibility for our own actions.
But when the universe throws you something out of your control (i.e. MS) it’s easy to fall into a state of self pity. I get it! And I am totally accepting that for whatever reason, I pulled an MS lottery card. It stinks, but as trite as it sounds, it is what it is.
Ok, so obviously I’m a super evolved, rational and gentle saint. Tonight however, I am fucking mad at MS. I want my “old” life back. I want to get out of the car and run inside for a second. I want to walk around the block. I want to bend down and pick something up without falling over. Hell, I want to just walk to the kitchen without holding on to anything. I want to not be hot, tired, dizzy, addled. I want to not have everything be such a big deal. It’s exhausting on top of being exhausting.
I find though that as much as I rail against it, curse at it, try to stomp my feet (no can do without falling over) at it, scream and cry at it, it remains the same. Yes I’m mad, and yes I’m frustrated…but would I wish on you? Not in a million years. You have your own burdens to bear. This one is all mine.